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Survive A Family Gathering

The dreaded family get-together. You have to go.

The dreaded family get-together. You have to go. But you're not sure you can last the duration without snapping a few judgmental insults at distant cousins. And you're probably right. So you need to go in with a plan.

Make a low-key entrance, and hang towards the perimeter. Say hi to mom and dad, so they know you at least showed up so they can't complain about how you didn't. Maybe you have a cool cousin or two you can hang with for a while? Do that. But keep mentioning how you unfortunately need to bolt soon to pick up a friend at the airport/have the cable guy coming over/have an alcoholics anonymous meeting/have been subpoenaed. Mention it frequently, and hold fast to the lie. Make sure your story is fool-proof, and nobody can call you out as a liar.

Then, when they least expect it, usually right after you've eaten a bunch of free food and right before they want to take group photos, get out of there. Just bail. Don't look back.

And if you get caught? Fake a stroke. It worked for me.